Post-semester depression

When I finished my last class yesterday, I came home feeling tired and directionless.  All of this work went into the semester.  I had no one to measure myself against.  There are no clear guidelines for how to get an A.  There are no grades or limits.  I made myself feel better when I was overwhelmed by reminding myself that at a school like mine, I would have to try harder to not pass a class.  Regardless, I wanted the equivalent of an A.  The last month has been a frenzy of making up for past assignments I was disappointed in, getting my teachers to appreciate me, and showing up all of my classmates by revealing my concealed hand at the last possible moment.

This semester was difficult.  I felt overworked, overstressed, and unsure of how I fit into everything around me.  I closed myself off from other students, judged them, and criticized my teachers.  Then, somehow, with the help of all of you, it changed.  I got to watch how mutable my reality was.  I felt a little crazy for a while, because I thought I was missing a more objective reality.  Then, I felt powerful because I could change more of it than I’d thought.  This changed my output significantly.  I balanced out the half-complete painting I brought into my midterm critique with a series of five paintings and twelve small abstract pieces.  Most of them could use some work, I’m sure.  There’s something to be said for not using perfection as an excuse to not work, so I am happy with my volume and managed to turn in more work than anyone in the class.

So, before I go on any further.  Thank you guys.

I still need to work on the list of things I want to overcome.  I had a few tics I wanted to work on this semester, but I may have had the wrong list.  For instance, Ed suggests that working on my social ability might be a more important focus than I think.  He’s probably right.  There just seems to be too many things I want to fix in myself.  It’s funny how a new social situation can really show those things.

So, the semester is over.  In that last month’s rush, I didn’t get much sleep, didn’t have any breakdowns, worked on a lot, kept learning through the process instead of just trying to jam stuff through, and had fun.  There is also a certain comfort in not having to think of what to do with your time, since it’s already planned by an approaching deadline.  Because of all of this, I was willing to give into my post-semester depression.  I expected it.  But something changed today.  Today feels wonderful.

I woke up at 8:30 without prompting.  I started the clean-up through the homework strata in my dining room.  I took final photos of my semester’s work (most of it).  While I was uploading and editing the images, I watched a BBC miniseries on the Impressionists (which was very cheesy, but good).  I’m posting to the blog.  There is a ton of stuff I have to do.  Through all of this, I’ll still need to produce art and papers.  I’m open to new projects, and I may also start asking you guys to work with me on projects.  I plan to make this the best summer yet, and I believe I can do it.  The only missing part is that Dave may be missing from it, except for virtual form.

Teaching experiment

Today my department chair confirmed my teaching a course in the Winter term (January – April) of 2010. Originally he wanted a postcolonial theory course, but after a conversation with our undergraduate coordinator they decided instead on a postcolonial literature class. I will begin to structure the course this summer, and as an exercise I will chart that process here (or in whatever format/site/etc we decide to continue).

These updates will include not only the material itself, but also more basic questions of pedagogy: the syllabus, delivering lectures, handling student responses in papers and exams, and so on. Further, I will continue to discuss these issues and track the effective and ineffective strategies/techniques during the class itself. Are you folks interested in playing along?